The Big Day Begins
I couldn't sleep. At all. The couch is great for napping, not so much for prolonged sleeping. I woke up when it was still dark out and there was a really good thunderstorm. The storm wasn't what kept me up, I can sleep through those with ease. I was going to be speaking in front of about 160 people later that day, and I do get nervous about that, but that wasn't immediately on my mind. I had some personal issues coming to a crossroad that day, but that wasn't directly keeping me up either. In retrospect, it was a combination of the latter two.
I watched the sun rise by seeing the sky slowly change colors. It sounds far better than it really is, because as the sun comes up you realize even if you do fall asleep, it won't be for long enough, and it seems to go on forever. The Groom was up early too. I'm sure he had a lot on his mind, so I gave him some time alone (at least it felt like I did), then I joined him in relaxing on the porch. I told you those rocking chairs were great. I could barely get my voice above a loud whisper. Great. I knew that I would regain it but I feared that I might not and that speaking at the ceremony I would sound like someone's grandmother, a chain smoker or a chain smoking grandmother. We talked about a few things, some serious and some not so serious. I never asked The Groom if he was "ready" because it would have been the dumbest possible question--I knew he was. We did joke about how far the drive to Canada would be, and that there was still time to go golfing again. He was ready to get to the meaty part of the day. This was no more evident when, upon leaving the cottage, he looked at me and said "if anyone needs anything, just, uh, take care of it." As if he needed to ask.
The Cottage
We then went in and watched the USA/Australia friendly from South Africa, the final warm up for the US for the World Cup. By now people were slowly waking up, and we all enjoyed Edson Buddle somehow scoring two goals and Robbie Findley meeting expectations by missing easy goals. The Doctor picked up The Groom at 10:30 for a nice shave and haircut to look pretty, which he did. We joke that The Doctor is an old man, so I wonder they got a father/son discount.
At the roast, some of us agreed to meet at the restaurant for brunch at 11:30. We didn't check to see if they still served breakfast at that hour. Naturally, they didn't. Oops. I really wanted some french toast. I've been on a french toast kick lately. So we had lunch instead, with the Taco Boys and I getting bacon cheeseburgers, because bacon is awesome. Kayak was too far gone to join us, but he would recover nicely. Bears need their hibernation. The Terminal ordered a Mediterranean salad, without the olives. Taco Boy (who was actually wearing the shirt that gave him this nickname) commented "why not just ask them to hold the Mediterranean?" Love that guy. I didn't see what Home Brew ordered, but I'm guessing it wasn't something that required front teeth to bite into. Then we went over to the winery and had a wine tasting. I highly recommend it at all weddings, I'm not sure there's a better way to kick off festivities. I'm not much of a wine drinker but I really enjoyed it. All part of the Summer of Dave and discovering new things. Taco Boy went the day before and kept his list of wines he already tasted as a cheat sheet, which was a good idea. He's full of them, which is why I made him my proxy at the bachelor party.
Eh, We'll Just Wing It
Then it was back to the cottage to polish up our speeches and get dressed. I think here was when we finished up the rest of the In N Out burgers which you may remember from Part II. My understanding is The Groom was told there was only one. Well, now he knows there weren't. Too bad. Sh*thead and I put the finishing touches on our speech, and read it to those who were with us in the cabin. It got the seal of approval from all, so they're partly to blame for it. I'm not going to repeat the speech, but for those who were there: everything we said was true. Everything. We then transcribed it from computer to notepad, which takes a lot longer than you think it would. The anticipation was beginning to boil for everyone. It was showtime. I hurriedly showered off and got dressed. In my rush to get ready I left my shorts on the bathroom floor. I wouldn't mention this unless it will come into play later, which it will.
The Moment We've Been Waiting For
The ceremony was wonderful. Location can really add to a wedding, obviously. I've been to on in a Newport, RI mansion and one in an art museum. Both were great weddings at fantastic locations. But this one was little more special. It was outside, with a beautiful view of Seneca Lake as the backdrop:
I had a quote I wanted to use in a speech during the weekend, but there wasn't a good opportunity to use it in the speeches I gave. But it's absolutely worth sharing. Look at that photo, the beautiful backdrop, so many people so happy (okay you can't see their faces, but they're all full of joy. Trust me.) To quote the great Marv Levy:
"Where else would you rather be than right here, right now?"
The wedding planner announced that things were about to begin and that we should all stay seated until The Bride and The Father of the Bride were at least to the back row of chairs, for photo purposes, then we could and probably would want to stand up. We wondered what she meant. I pictured them approaching off the horizon in a Huey like in a Schwartzenegger film. Or maybe they would tandem parachute down, I can totally see them doing that. Taco Boy and I agreed though that a Slip N Slide would be the awesomest intro. Alas, they walked. It was quite windy though, and The Bride's veil was pretty long and made for some good humor as she tried to navigate down the aisle. So that's why we were encouraged to stand when they got to the seats. The Bride's family is Scottish and damn proud of it, so The Father of the Bride and other family members wore kilts, and there was a bagpiper. The Grandfather of the Bride officiated the ceremony, also wearing a kilt, he did a very nice job and said a few words before turning it over to the speakers. Home Brew, chipped tooth and all, spoke first, on the Importance of Friendship. Then Sh*thead and I were on. Our topic was Competition, and we did a little back and forth routine about how The Bride and Groom don't let competitiveness get between them, because The Bride always wins, except for when it comes to doing embarrassing things. We had 'em rolling in the aisle. After we were done we did wonder if we crossed the line a little, but later the parents told us they loved our speech so we were in the clear. If I may take a moment to be self centered, I looked damn good in my three piece Ralph Lauren suit. Dark gray with tan and blue pinstripes with a white french cuffed shirt underneath. I paid pennies on the dollar for it. Getting back to it, Mrs. Taco Boy read from a passage from Huey Lewis and the News about The Power Of Love, per The Bride and Groom's request. Well, no one's perfect, and at least it wasn't Hip to be Square. Other topics included the Love of Music, Humor, and Resilience, and everyone did a great job. We jokingly took bets on which one of The Bride and Groom would cry first. I would have lost my bet on The Groom. Damn.
Every wedding has its quirks it seems. I've been to a Jewish wedding where the groom went to step on the glass he landed the arch between the toe and the heel of his shoe on to the stem of the glass, so it didn't break. Embarrassing? A little. Memorable? Highly. This wedding had The Bride forget which hand to put the ring on The Groom. Hey, we all get nervous. The Groom gave The Bride a great kiss to seal the deal. Great kiss.
Time To Drink!
Then it was off to cocktail hour and the wedding party photo shoot. The best part of cocktail hour was that it was an hour and a half. They had plenty of wine of course and more than enough beer. I'm not much of a wine drinker, and I really needed a beer, so I did my best to run them out of Yuengling. There were of course Canadian beers, The Groom being from Buffalo. It just wouldn't be right without them. There were the standard issue wedding party photos, then we had some fun taking photos of us carrying the bride and groom like they'd won the Super Bowl, which I guess is getting to be standard fare as well but is still a ton of fun. Perhaps we should have given them a Gatorade bath. At some point, I think it was the cocktail hour so I'll mention it here, Loaf Daddy decided to buy what the bartender called "Swamp Grass" for 6 or 7 of us. It was green, it was fruity and it might have glowed in the dark from the algae. Still, I drank it. The Bride and Groom then took off in a golf cart, presumably to argue about something.
Me with "Swamp Grass." It glows in the dark from the algae.
If The Reception Sucks, You Can't Fiddle With The Antenna
(It didn't suck.) I decided to stick with beer for the rest of the night. If only I was golfing the next day. I stocked up as the cocktail hour came to a close (only wine was served during dinner) and salad was served. The 2nd course, which for everyone at my table was steak, came out and somehow I got two steak knives. I guess I got second place, I wonder who won the Cadillac. Turned out I accidentally got Sh*thead's knife, but I refused to give it up. He got another one with ease. So I ate my steak and potatoes with both knives. The steak was good, the potatoes were excellent. Eating with two knives was also excellent.
Party Time, Excellent
Then of course it was time to do what I do best. Dance. I'm kidding, I am a terrible dancer, but that doesn't deter me. They introduced the wedding party, and I decided that when I get married, I want Merrill Reese to do the introductions at my wedding. He can also go "IT'S GOOOOOOOOODDDDD!!!!!!!!!" when I kiss the bride. A boy can dream. As much as I love the call, he will not be allowed to say "I don't believe it!" At some point Backstreet, The Terminal, MBFAM and I were all circled around The Groom, doing what looked like a pre-game psych-out that football players do. All that was missing was Ray Lewis saying that we needed to knock somebody out. The Father of the Bride is a musician and he wrote and performed a song he wrote for the wedding. It was touching.
Camera drank a bunch of wine. Maybe a lot. Then Loaf Daddy bought him some scotch (I think it was scotch. It was definitely hard liquor). Maybe a lot of that too. Remember this. There was a monitor with a slide show of photos provided by guests prior to the wedding, talk about a trip down memory lane. I looked 14 in some of the photos with my red-cheeked baby face. It was great, and I saw a number of people taking the time to sit down and watch a few minutes of it. At one point someone said to their husband that "that picture of The Groom looks like our son." Her husband calmly replied "that is our son." Great stuff.
I'm struggling to find more things that I remember and am willing to share here that happened at the reception, like when someone said to me "oh my god, what am I saying, I'm married!" I probably shouldn't even share that, but it's too funny not to. The shuttles to the hotel that many guests were staying at arrived, so things started wrapping up at the Inn. So we went back to the cabin for even more drinking. I got out of my suit and into some gym clothes, and then realized that I looked like I was sponsored by Adidas. I do like the three stripes. We drank some more and then delved into the cookie cakes that were in our fridge. They were given to Backstreet (his had blue icing) and (correction:) The Groom (his had pink icing) as gifts at the picnic. A symbol of their marriage ending I suppose. Cookie cake and beer is an interesting combination, I'm not saying don't do it but I don't really recommend it. Maybe a fine wine instead, or some scotch.
Speaking of scotch, remember when I talked about Camera drinking all that wine then scotch? It didn't turn out well for him. Muppet came downstairs and asked Kayak and I to give him emotional support. That's how bad he was ralphing. And remember my shorts that I left on the bathroom floor? Like everything else, they were not safe from the aimless puking that he did. Not even his own pajama pants were safe. It was reminiscent of The Groom at his bachelor party, but that's a story for another day, if at all. We put him to bed with a bucket by his side. We had trouble finding a bucket and for a short while it seemed the best option was an empty fruit bowl. He turned out fine in the morning. Those of us not in a catatonic state resumed drinking before passing out.
Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!
Sunday was, sadly, departure day. The Father of the Bride stopped by the house again to pick up more stuff and in discussing the weekend he said "some of these people are a half a bubble off plumb" which is just a great phrase. I'm sure he was talking about his wife's family. I joke, I really don't remember the exact context of the conversation. Those of us staying on the property said our goodbyes to The Bride and Groom as they departed back to NYC. Some of us hit up Ithaca one last time. I forgot to mention in Part I that among other changes that the town has undergone was the welcome addition of 5 Guys. That's a damn good, albeit expensive, burger. After getting a little sidetracked, I met up with Quabble and her fiancé, MBFAM and Rhyno. We stopped by the t-shirt shop on The Commons and it was there we made a most humorous discovery. They have many a left-wing bumper sticker, and one that simply said "Homophobia." It was perplexing: do you put this on your car if you have it? And why would you? Someone said that because it was red it meant "stop homophobia" but if that were the case, shouldn't it say so? We found that the best use of it was to combine it with other signs and make hilarious phrases:
Some of the joys of homophobia.
Then I had to get going to catch my flight in Rochester. Once again, I arrived with impeccable timing. On the plane, the guy next to me got up and never returned. I wish he would have told me he wasn't coming back, I would have made use of his empty seat. The flight was fine, baggage claim, not so much. I, and many others from my flight, waited about an hour for our bags. One of the guys waiting with me ran into some chick he knew and claimed he was going to Nashville later in the week to work on a film. With Rhianna and Andre 3000. Sure. This guy wound up getting pretty antsy about his luggage. I wasn't too thrilled either, but my emotions aren't going to make my bag get here sooner, so why sweat it. While waiting the idea occurred to me that since you get charged to check your bag, if it's late past a certain time and especially if they have to deliver it to you the next day, you should get a refund back. And the airlines should bill the airports for it, because it wasn't Delta's fault my bag was late, it was Hartsfield-Jackson's. So if bad baggage handling costs an airport money, you can be sure that they're going to try to improve it.
Finally, my bag arrived. And with it, the Wedding Weekend saga ends. I hope you've enjoyed it. I know I did.
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