Start From The Start
The fun began before the trip ever did. Thursday night a co-worker wrote on his Facebook page something to the effect of "very bored... have put iTunes on shuffle, will do a shot of Bacardi every time a song comes on." Outstanding work young man. Coworker/roommate Colt goes on FB, chats with him. By this time the alcoholic trigger was a Lynryd Skynryd song. He had Freebird on loop. At least he got to wait 27 minutes between shots. Driving home, this guy's favorite band, Guns N Roses came on the radio, so I wrote on his wall "we're driving home and Paradise City is playing, Colt and I think you should do a shot for that." His response "Hell yeah, you guys are carpooling! I'll drink to saving the environment!" Beautiful.
If Getting There Is Half The Fun, Then This Trip Is Going To Be Hell
Friday morning and two near-fatal mistakes were made. First, I took MARTA to the airport. There's a train station right by my house and it's way cheaper than parking at the airport lot. Of course, it had to stop twice because of the train in front of it, and so it took way longer than driving would have. It got me there just late enough to theoretically miss my flight. Why? Because I flew Spirit Air, and they suck. They "start boarding" 45 minutes prior to departure, not 30 like every other airlines, and they apparently cut off people from checking in at least 50 minutes before. Like I said last week, it's WTF July. I knew I was in trouble when the couple in front of me was already in a heated argument with the customer service agent, who was a real bitch. She angrily said, at least twice "I am a nice person." No, you're not, not when you have say things with an angry tone, and not when you never say sorry to a customer. So it appeared that we were going to be rescheduled for some other flight, which probably wouldn't have gotten me into New York until next Tuesday. I thought about just going to another airline and buying a one way ticket for an outrageous price, but thankfully did not. To make matters worse, their system crashed, leaving me and five fellow travelers twisting in the wind. We were all on a 10:20 flight, at 10:15 the system came back on and they gave us our tickets... for our original flight. There was no way we were going to make it. We were whisked through security and I hustled my ass to my gate, of course it was in the 5th of 6th terminals and at the end of the terminal. Arriving, I saw a huge line of people. Hmm. I looked at the board behind the desk and it still had my flight listed. I asked a stranger in line what flight he was on, and halejelluah, it was my flight. Here I am, at the gate 5 minutes after the flight is supposed to leave they literally just started boarding. Never has a delayed flight been so joyful, WTF July strikes again. So now you see why I said I would theoretically miss my flight. Every Spirit flight on my trip was delayed, because all their flights are delayed. Finally in my seat, we depart the jetway. Someone, who clearly either A) has never flown, B) hasn't flown in a long time or C) was on crack said, in complete seriousness "WE'RE GOING BACKWARDS!" No shit Sherlock, that's how you leave the jetway. As we taxied to the runway, the hydraulics on the plane made a grinding noise as we made our way to the runway that you have to cross I-285 to get to. Now, I'm no airplane mechanic, but I'm sure that nothing on a plane should make a grinding noise. I made the decision if they said the plane had to turn around due to mechanical problems, I was going to say "nah, it's okay. Just get on 285 to (I-)20 and we'll get there." It finally stopped (the sound, not the plane), and someone on the plane said "what's that noise?" A number of people pointed out that the noise had stopped a minute ago. My god, I'm on a plane full of idiots.
And of course, Spirit doesn't go anywhere you want to go (it does go to Detroit and Ft. Lauderdale, but no one really wants to go there) so I had to take a connecting flight. In hindsight, I should have just paid extra for a non-stop ticket on a real carrier. So I flew from Atlanta to Myrtle Beach, then to LaGuardia. In Myrtle, everyone on the plane was going to LGA, as was the plane. But the plane we were on was Flight A, and half of us were on Flight B, meaning we had to get off and wait for the next plane. So the stewards had to come by and make sure everyone had the right ticket. It reminded me of that scene from The Last Crusade, I wanted to see if they literally threw anyone out for not having a ticket. No dice. Waiting for my 2nd flight (which was of course delayed, but only by 20 minutes), a group of 5 or so of early 20s girls had what I assume was a reunion of sorts at the airport. The amount, pitch and decibel level of shrieking that they made is nearly indescribable. It was like they turned back the clock and brought back Valley Girls for a day. It caused a lot of heads to turn, and probably a lot of ears to explode. Finally flying into NYC, they put us on flight path that went straight up Manhattan. I've been to NYC plenty of times, and I can understand the reasons for not making this a routine thing, but it was really cool.
I Could Kiss The Ground
So finally, excruciatingly (little did I know the worst was yet to come), I landed in beautiful LGA. What a craphole of an airport, and it keeps getting worse every time I come. I needed a drink or 6. My good friend, affectionately here referred to as Bill Cosby Sweater, picked me up. On the way we saw a white van that said on the back "Company Use Only." On the side it said "Not For Hire." There were no markings of what the company was, so we concluded that business must be pretty good if they don't need to advertise and are booked.
Cosby Sweater and his wife have a nearly 2 year old son. I haven't seen the Cosby Sweaters in a couple of years, and never met their son. He's incredibly cute. I can't wait until he gets a little older and I can spoil him with candy and swear words. *evil laugh*
New York, New York
After dinner with the Cosby Sweaters, we headed to Manhattan to meet up with The Bride and Groom, Goldie Locks and Taco Boy for food and drinks. Looking back I realize I had two dinners. First we hit up a bar/restaurant on Amsterdam, but the dining room was booked for later in the night so we changed locations after a round. We wound up at a BBQ joint that clearly was made by someone who loves North Carolina, and met up with Backstreet and Ms. Backstreet, and Ms Taco Boy joined us as well. We had some giant concoction of a drink called The Fish Bowl, it had vodka and other stuff in it. It was good. Another table of two women got it, prompting someone to say "they better hurry up and finish it, or that fantasy is not going to happen." They also had this plaque for some reason:
The only place in NYC where they like Phillip Rivers.
I had pulled pork because pulled pork is awesome. I felt that bringing the infamous Homophobia bumper sticker would be a good idea for this trip, and I was right:
We parted ways and went to The Bride and Groom's place, where we opened up a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue. Delicious. Here, understandably, is where my memory of Friday night stops.
Another Day, Another Scotch
Well, I woke up and didn't regret anything from the night before, except for the hangover. The Groom, reflecting on the end of his night: "the trip from my chair to the bedroom was filled with despair." It was pretty hot out (although compared to Atlanta it was beautiful) so we stayed inside for the afternoon. The Groom and I resumed our traditional best of 3 matches in FIFA, last time we did "nations you would not feel safe in" this time it was "nations that didn't qualify for the World Cup." We went out and got a late lunch, and sat outside. I was facing the street and The Groom was facing me, and we were discussing I don't know what when he said "I've been watching lots of porno." A lady was walking by and gave him a look that had me cracking up.
That night we had a little get together for The Bride's birthday. It had been the week before, but they were out of town. For me this was great because she shares the same birthday as my mom, so I could never travel to celebrate The Bride's birthday on that day and not have my mom hunt me down and kill me, slowly. On the e-vite sent out for it, it said it was from 8-9, so we jokingly strictly enforced the time. The Bride made a very good 7 layer taco dip and Backstreet and Ms. Backstreet, with their very own out of town guest (who had joined us the night before), plus another friend of The Bride and Groom, joined in the festivities. We drank and played some games and said many inappropriate and dumb things.
Now It's Time For Some Quotes Said By My Friends, With No Context Given
"There's no ecstasy in a coffee bar."
"Oh yeah? Let's go to Manhattan."
"I thought it was a helicopter, but it was a bird."
"My shirt is on backwards."
"I believe it."
"I just thought of a gaggle of gay geese."
"Gonads grow."
"It was somewhere between 19 and 26."
"That's my target range."
"It's not like tasting pee, it's like tasting some medication."
"Anyone here Druish?"
"I just close my eyes and put in my credit card. Which is how our relationship works."
"Gestapo is not a hobby."
We're terrible people.
Again, we had scotch. Again, my memory fades after that.
Take Me Out To The Ball Game
On Sunday The Groom and I went to the Yankees/Rays game. I should point out that we went because it was a baseball game and neither of us have been to Yankee Stadium. We did not root for the Yankees. We didn't root against them, we just enjoyed a long, slow baseball game. On the way I saw a guy with a Lawrence Taylor jersey, but the jersey had no numbers, just his name. Weird. We got to Yankee Stadium early so we could walk around and check it out, it's huge and nice. There's tradition everywhere, as can be expected, and advertisements and sponsorships everywhere, also as can be expected. It was a 1:05 pm game and pretty hot out, so we had already decided that dehydrating beer was not going to be an option for us. The $10 price tag for a cold one helped keep it at bay. We went to our seats and made a fantastic discovery: our seats were well in the shade.
The house that NY taxpayers built.
Nick Swisher is one of the true cutups in baseball and he is even more hilarious in person. He did a flying high five with Robinson Cano during warmups, chatted with fans in RF between batters and at one point was up to bat when the catcher called time out and went to the mound... he stayed in his stance until the catcher was halfway to the mound, then shrugged his shoulders. We got what should have been a good pitching matchup in the resurgent Andy Pettitte vs outstanding fireballer David Price. Pettitte got hurt, Price got knocked around. In the top of the first a fan did a nice barehanded grab of Carlos Pena's 3 run homerun, and in the bottom of the first Gabe Kapler and BJ Upton each hilariously leaped for a fly ball and completely missed. The 1st inning took nearly an hour. Really good thing our seats were in the shade.
That night we wrapped things up with dinner and a movie, The Bride made a delicious pot roast. Thankfully there was no scotch consumed that night.
I Could Have Walked
Then it was time for the return trip. I knew it was going to be bad, but it was worse than I thought. I arrived with plenty of time, lesson learned from Friday. There was a huge line for the desk, and no line for the self check-in kiosks. Well, frak me if it won't let me check in. I cautiously approached the kiosk, half expecting it to tell me it was unable to process my request, half expecting it to tell it was too late and I had to go get in line. I put in my credit card and... it worked. Hallelujah. I got my boarding passes and got through security pretty quick. Then came the waiting. I went to the gate and they had two flights listed, neither of which were mine. I looked at the big screen of departures and saw my flight was, so far on time, the other two were delayed. So were were third on the depth chart at gate B6. Outstanding. Then, my flight was delayed by over an hour. Great. Finally, my flight comes. As I approach my seat, I see a lady sitting in the middle seat of my row, and she looked like she was taking advantage of the empty seats next to her. Why on Earth she would possibly think that they would remain empty is anyone's guess. Then she slides over TO MY SEAT. Oh no. Hell no. That window seat is mine, not yours. I politely indicated that she was in my seat, and she gave it up in a way that indicated to me that she knew what she was doing and that she was a doofus. Again, WTF July. And once again the plane's hydraulics made noises that planes shouldn't make. So we got to Myrtle about an hour and a half late, but there was still plenty of time for our next flight to be delayed, which it was. Scheduled to arrive in ATL at 6:15, my next flight didn't take off until 6:30. Again, someone tried to take my seat. Being the 2nd of a connecting flight, there were already a bunch of people on it. I got to my row, which had an empty middle seat. No way I'm taking one between two strangers when it's not really my seat. With a friend yes, but this wasn't the case. So I got the guy in the aisle to slide over and I took his seat. Then someone else showed up and I was in their seat. Fantastic. Turns out the guy who tried to take the aisle seat but wound up in the middle wasn't in the right seat, he was a few rows up. So I got to get my window seat and the guy who had taken my original seat rode bitch. Too bad for him. WTF July keeps striking. He was quite interesting, he was a 50 something Asian man who spoke English quite well, and he read literally every word of the magazines he had, even the ads, and underlined and marked certain things, including the ads. Had he only had passing command of English, I would totally understand, but this guy was fluent. Very weird. I guess he was really bored. Me, I had a Kindle. Always come prepared. As we left the plane, another noise that should not exist on an airplane was heard, it sounded like someone was trying to enter the cabin from the outside with a hacksaw.
By the time I arrived home in Atlanta, it was nearly 12 hours after I left for LaGuardia. So I could have drove in almost that amount of time. Sigh.
Despite Spirit Air's best efforts, it was a good trip. I already can't wait to go back.
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